Mental Schitz — the fictional history of Geronimo, Texas

Geronimo, Texas  •  Est. 1836  •  Entirely Fictional

Mental
Schitz

A Family History  —  Mostly True  —  Definitely Theirs

Geronimo, Guadalupe County, Texas  |  Population: Schitts, pecans & strong opinions

Unlike nearby Seguin, Geronimo is real and doesn’t need advertising to prove it. The version of Geronimo you’re about to experience is not. But we sure as hell wish it were.

* * *

1836 — The Arrival

Dieter Johan Schitt

Bratwurst Merchant  •  Amateur Baritone  •  Immigrant of Uncertain Intent

Fled the Old World after a misunderstanding involving a goose, a priest, and the mayor’s daughter. Arrived in Texas by way of Galveston. Upon setting eyes on the fertile plains of San Geronimo Creek, he declared:

“Dieses land ist voller versprechen und blaehungen.
Wir werden hier gedeihen.”

Dieter Johan Schitt, 1836  —  loosely: “This land is full of promise and flatulence. We will thrive here.”

He courted and married Ilsa, a local German girl. Together they built the first Schitt homestead out of limestone, cedar, and reused shipping crates full of schnapps — raising goats, pecans, and hell along with a family. The name “Schitt” quickly became synonymous with two things: unrelenting work ethic and questionable branding choices.

1861–1865 — The War of Northern Aggression (or Whatever)

Wilhelm Schitt

Businessman  •  Conscientious Neutral  •  Pickled Egg Magnate

Refused to declare a side during the Civil War and instead ran a brisk business selling pickled eggs and weatherstripping to whomever had the geld for it.

“Why pick a side when you can sell to everyone
and keep the Schitt flowing?”

— Wilhelm Schitt, Family Motto, Circa 1863
In 1887 his son, Little Willy Schitt, stumbled across an artesian mineral spring whilst making a mad 100-yard dash from the barn to the nearest outhouse.

Early 1900s — The Nut Patch

Elmer T. Schitt

Orchardist  •  Bootlegger  •  Husband of a Bare-Knuckle Boxer

Planted The Nut Patch, Geronimo’s famous pecan orchard. Known for his legendary two-gallon overalls and his bootleg nut liqueur “Schitt’s Nut Water.” Married Velma Lou Rayburn — Sunday school teacher and bare-knuckle boxer — in what history records as a surprisingly functional arrangement.

1970s–Present — The Unification

Big John “Jack” Schitt

Vietnam Veteran  •  Bull Fighter*  •  Part-Time Pentecostal Preacher
*rodeo clown, for those who ain’t from Texas

Came home from Vietnam with a plan. Married Juanita “Nita” Delgado — Mexican-American accordionist and mule racer from Seguin — and unified two cultures under one Schitt-stained banner. Founded the Schitt Family Foundation: allegedly to “clean up our image,” mostly to fund chili cook-offs and questionable tax deductions.

* * *
To this day, the Schitt family is known for their deep ties to the land, entrepreneurial audacity, and inexplicable German-Mexican-South Central Texas accents. Their family reunions are equal parts potluck, talent show, and low-key militia muster, where every Schitt male over the age of 18 owns at least one novelty apron. Most of the aprons demand “Kiss This Schitt” and are worn with pride.

Official family reunion dress code — worn with pride since 1978

Kiss This Schitt Kiss This Schitt Kiss This Schitt

Every Schitt male over 18 owns at least one.

On a first name basis with the sheriff, the judge, the commissioners, and the tax assessor.

Loved. Loathed. Absolutely essential to the cultural, culinary, and chaotic identity of this Geronimo.

Family reunions: equal parts potluck, talent show, and low-key militia muster.

Geronimo, Texas  •  The Schitt Family  •  Est. 1836  •  None of This Is Real

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