Schitt HVAC — heating and cooling, fictional Geronimo, Texas
Geronimo, Texas • Est. 1994 • Formerly a Chicken Coop • Thermodynamically Harmonious
HVAC
We Give You a Schitt Guarantee on Every Installation
Cooling Texas homes and heating up town gossip since 1994.
Comfort isn’t just about temperature.
It’s thermodynamic harmony with the emotional landscape of your crawlspace.
Founder
Robyn Schitt
Yes, that Robyn. Failed her third attempt at interpretive dance school. Aced a three-hour YouTube rabbit hole on heat pumps and passive airflow systems. Opened the business in a repurposed chicken coop behind the family’s east orchard with an old Carrier unit, a roll of foil tape, and a laminated printout of her favorite Stoic quotes.
The rest of the family didn’t understand her. They appreciated the air conditioning.
Robyn insists all employees attend quarterly Energy Flow & Duct Yoga sessions and meditate in a walk-in freezer before every major install. All service calls include a cooling towel and lavender spritz.
Payment is accepted in cash, goats, Schitt gift certificates, or poetic bartering.
“If your unit fails in the first year, we will stand beneath your attic access, hands on hips, and say ‘Damn. That’s on us.'”
— Posted at the shop. Also on the invoices. Also how Robyn ends voicemails.What We Do
Services
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Residential HVAC Installation
Custom load calculations based on body heat, dog count, and emotional baggage.
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Commercial Units
Designed by Cousin Poot for maximum cold and minimum OSHA interference.
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Swamp Cooler Revivals
“We resurrect what others condemn.”
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Seasonal Tune-Ups
Includes a filter change, burner check, and one firm lecture about not using window units in December.
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“Silent Mode” AC Units
So quiet, you can hear your own bad decisions.
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Custom Duct Scenting
Aromas include: Mesquite Musk, Sawmill Memory, and “Jolinda Grabowska’s Ex-Husband’s Cologne.”
Tools & Tech
What We Bring to the Job
- Wireless thermostat shaped like a bottle opener
- Rechargeable refrigerant sniffer — also detects emotional instability
- Duct tape with motivational quotes printed on it (“Seal it and heal it”)
- Copper, a trained raccoon used for tight-space vent inspections
The Crew
Who Shows Up
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Robyn Schitt — Founder
Dresses like a desert monk. Speaks in R-values.
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Uncle Lumpy — Lead Installer
Can sweat through steel. Installs ductwork with his eyes closed. Not always successfully.
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“Cool Hand” Kasey — Tech
Claims he can hear when a thermostat is lying.
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Dusty Vasquez-Schitt — Apprentice
Keeps mistaking heat exchangers for espresso machines.
The Two-Test Test: Install a system in 100-degree heat • Then make it ice-cold while being heckled by Gunny • Pass both or go home
Town Reputation
What Geronimo Has to Say
Uses them for his panic room only. Says Robyn “gets airflow like Patton got flanking maneuvers.”
— GunnySwears by the Freon-free Schitt Breeze MiniSplit. Claims it cured her hot flashes and bad mood.
— Jolinda GrabowskaAsked them to cool his nut milk fermentation shed. Robyn said, “I will harmonize your milkspace.”
— Dick SchittBelieves the vents hum at night and encode messages from an older civilization.
— M, Buy CuriosHired them once. Now insists he sleeps better because “the vents whisper less judgmental things.”
— Willi Schwartzenstopp