Schitt Culinary Arts Technical School

Geronimo, Texas • Est. 2013 • Former Drive-In • Two Meat Labs • Accreditation Pending (Forever)

Schitt Culinary
Arts Technical
School

SCATS • Cook Like a Schitt

Where flavor meets fire and accreditation is considered a seasoning.
Geronimo’s first and only culinary institute.

Founder & Dean

Dr. Ima Vasquez-Schitt

After being turned down for a Food Network pilot called “Flambé or Walk Away,” Dr. Ima Vasquez-Schitt built Geronimo’s first and only culinary institute on the bones of an abandoned drive-in and a dream powered by bacon grease and blind confidence.

She partnered with Lottie and Dick, who provided a used trailer full of rented cookware, a box of expired USDA handbooks, and one chalkboard with “MEAT = PASSION” already written on it in Crisco.

The kitchens are housed in the former drive-in (griddles still intact) and two connected shipping containers known as the SCATS Meat Labs. Cold storage is powered by an old Schitt HVAC unit that hums the Golden Girls theme. Dry goods are kept in ammo cans from Willi’s militia days.

“To turn lost souls, parolees, short-order rebels, and fried bologna visionaries into kitchen legends.
At least in Guadalupe County.”

— SCATS Mission Statement • Posted above the griddles

Dr. Ima on the student body: “Not everyone who wanders is lost. Some just ran out of propane.”

* * *

The Student Body

Who Enrolls

Mostly second-chance parolees, failed food truckers, drama club dropouts, and one guy who only makes chili and growls during critiques.

Students wear white aprons stenciled with “I Cook Like a Schitt.” Scorched Crocs are considered standard footwear.

Certificate printed on butcher paper
One free toothpick
A lighter engraved with “Cook Dirty, Eat Proud”

Graduation requirements include: completing the final project • Not burning down the Meat Labs • Making peace with your ancestors’ mistakes

* * *

Faculty

Who’s Teaching

Founder & Dean of Culinary Medicine

Dr. Ima Vasquez-Schitt, MD

Teaches with a scalpel and a slotted spoon.

Adjunct Professor of Offal

Willi Schwartzenstopp

Nose-to-tail butchery with a side of psychological damage.

Guest Instructor

Jolinda Grabowska

Nut-Based Sauces & Saucy Puns.

Honorary Guest Lecturer

Gunny

Mess Deck Psychology: Feeding the Furious.

Curriculum

What Gets Taught

Intro to Frying

Mandatory for all students. Includes deep-frying pickles, pork chops, and unlicensed ideas.
BBQ Theology 101

Philosophy and application of slow-cooked meat as a spiritual practice.
Advanced Gravy Engineering

Where roux meets revelation.
Desserts of Dubious Origin

Weekly challenge: invent a pie using only pantry items, lies, and one unlabeled jar.
Fire Suppression for Idiots

Also known as The Great Grease Fire Module.
Presentation Techniques

Plating for impact using antlers, glitter, and whatever fell on the floor less than 10 seconds ago.

Signature Methodology

The B.A.S.T.A.R.D. Method

Boil
Aggressively Season
Toss
Add Ranch
Deep-fry

Final project: a fully plated three-course meal cooked entirely on gas burners during a small structure fire simulation.

* * *

Town Reputation

What Geronimo Has to Say

Won’t eat student food without full body armor.

— Gunny, Gunny’s Cafe

Sponsors the annual “Deep Fry ‘Til You Cry” challenge.

— Dick Schitt

Claims the SCATS spice pantry is “a portal to alternate flavor dimensions.”

— M, Buy Curios

Tried to veganize the curriculum. The revolting students turned her Prius into a jerky dehydrator.

— Robyn Schitt, Schitt HVAC

Insists this is the only culinary school where “blood sausage is a final exam and a spiritual awakening.”

— Willi Schwartzenstopp, The Offal Haus

Food & Drinks

The Schitts

Odds & Ends