Gunny’s Cafe — mess hall and interrogation room, fictional Geronimo, Texas
Geronimo, Texas • Half Mess Hall • Half Interrogation Room • 100% Emotionally Destabilizing
Cafe
Shut Up & Eat It
Geronimo’s #1 destination for chow, sarcasm, and voluntary verbal abuse.
No substitutions. No oat milk. No crying.
Proprietor
Gunnery Sergeant Walter “Gunny” Ficklin, USMC (Ret.)
30 years in the Corps. Honorably discharged, according to his DD-214. According to local legend, he was asked to leave after:
Headbutting a lieutenant for “calling chili a soup.”
Making a mess sergeant cry by yelling “Your seasoning is cowardice!”
Replacing the Corps’ official food pyramid with a tattoo of bacon and spite on his back.
With nothing to do and nowhere to yell, Gunny ended up in Geronimo. After he told the village council “I fought in three wars, survived two divorces, and ran a field kitchen in Iraq. I don’t do brunch. I do battle-chow,” the village gave him a cafe to keep him from turning the senior center into a recon unit.
The walls are decorated in camo netting, unit plaques, and a Wall of Shame featuring photos of former employees who couldn’t hang. Occasionally, Gunny hosts a motivational brunch with no menu and lots of shouting.
“We don’t do substitutions.
You’ll take what I gave you
and you’ll thank me for the privilege.”
Posted at the Counter
House Rules
- Take off your cover. You’re inside.
- You send it back, it comes back angrier.
- This ain’t a damn Starbucks. Ask for oat milk and I’ll make you shave a billy goat.
- This is not a therapy session. The head is down the hall. If you’re crying, you’re doing it wrong.
- We don’t accommodate dietary restrictions. We fix them.
The Motivation Board
Updated Hourly. In Chalk. By Gunny.
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Current Postings
- “If you’re not sweating, it’s not breakfast.”
- “The grill’s hot. So is my temper.”
- “You’re late. You were born late. Your mama was late. Shame runs in the family.”
- “Coffee’s black, bitter, and tired. Just like me.”
Town Reputation
What Geronimo Has to Say
Once told Coach Bolt’s ghost to “square up or shut up.” Bolt hasn’t been seen since.
— On the record, GeronimoRespects the eggs. Questions the tactical butter application.
— Willi Schwartzenstopp, The Offal HausOwes Gunny a tooth and a recipe.
— Chaz “Durty” Delgado, The Durty Sausage Co.Claims Gunny has “a screaming aura shaped like a bayonet.”
— M, Buy CuriosEats here for the “tough love and tight hash.”
— Jolinda Grabowska