The Staff — The Chapped Ass Cantina, fictional Geronimo, Texas
The Chapped Ass Cantina • Geronimo, Texas • Floor Staff
We Serve It Hot • We Wear It Loud • We Don’t Apologize for Either
They aren’t actors. They’re not seasonal hires.
They’re not here for your Yelp review.
Who They Are
The Roster
Every server — man, woman, or otherwise — wears chaps. Real ones. Weathered. Sometimes fringed. Occasionally embroidered with skulls, saints, or flame decals. Most wear something underneath. Some don’t.
- Ex-bikers
- Future poets
- Failed rodeo queens
- Amateur fire dancers
- Certified bartenders with a grudge
- Retired exotic dancers who got bored
- Accountants in witness protection
- One guy who insists he’s a former Navy SEAL but has a Canadian accent and knows nothing about boats
Hiring Policy
How to Get the Job
“You want the job? Wear chaps to the interview and make me laugh or cry. Bonus if it’s both.”
— Luis “Big Lou” Escalante, ProprietorThe current lead server was hired after shouting “¡Huevos y honor, baby!” during a queso fire.
Another got in by moonwalking across a grease puddle without spilling a tray of flaming tequila shots.
Orientation
Training — 37 Minutes, Start to Finish
- A video on tequila pour techniques narrated by Gunny
- “Don’t Pet the Donkey” safety briefing
- A live demo on how to exit the kitchen if Ramiro starts summoning the spirit of Tlaloc again
At the end, Big Lou summons them to his office and gives the speech: “This ain’t Applebee’s. If you want to flirt for tips, do it with style. If you want to fight a customer, at least wait until they pay.”
Each server is issued: a bar towel, a belt-mounted bottle opener, and a laminated Code Brown Emergency Procedure card. Used only during chili season.
Verified Capabilities
What They Can Do
- Open swinging doors with a pelvic bump registered with the Texas Historical Commission
- Light three shots at once without burning a customer (unless they’re into that)
- Snort habanero dust off a tortilla chip and smile
- Know when you’re about to ask for a lime and already hate you for it
- Snap a drunk’s wrist from 8 feet without spilling their drink
Field Reports & Lore
Things That Have Happened
The Friday night crew and the Sunday brunch crew hate each other but will still fistfight outsiders as a united front.
— Standing policyNew hires are sent to WhiskerBiscuit for powdered salsa. There is no powdered salsa. This is the prank.
— Staff tradition, date unknownOnce seduced an entire bachelor party and the mother of the groom. Same night. Different booths.
— Friday crew, uncontestedDuring the Schitt BBQ Festival, The Chapped Ass Cantina staff moonlight as fire marshals. Mostly so they can control the siren.
— Annual. Geronimo Fire Dept. has opinions.Overheard on the Floor
What You’ll Hear Them Say
- If you touch the ass, you better tip double.
- This outfit makes your soul feel things.
- Yeah, we do serve food — but the main course is confidence.
- Order fast, sugar — I’m on a timer and a tequila drip.
As long as your tip’s covered,
we’re good.