Menu — Gunny’s Cafe, fictional Geronimo, Texas
Gunny’s Cafe • Geronimo, Texas • GySgt. Walter Ficklin, USMC (Ret.)
Shut Up & Eat It
Every order comes with a side of unsolicited advice and a loud reminder that
“hydration is for the weak and undercooked.”
Standard Offerings
What’s on the Board
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Gunny’s Gut Buster
Four eggs, five bacon strips, sausage links, corned beef hash. Served with a side of discipline.
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The Boot Omelet
You don’t pick the fillings. Gunny does. And you eat it standing up.
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Chow Line Chili
Made with three meats, one warning label, and no beans. Ever.
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PT Pancakes
So dense they require a waiver and a 5-mile ruck march after consumption.
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Semper Fries
Spicy, greasy, and weaponized for morale.
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Dishonorably Discharged
A vegan sandwich. Served with a dishonorable stare and a form to renounce your appetite.
Gunny’s Mess Deck Meal Plan
Combat-Tested. Morale-Enhancing. Non-Negotiable.
“Eat with purpose. Burp with pride.
Cry somewhere else.”
Three meals a day. No snacks. No substitutions. No whining. Each day’s meals are designed to boost energy, harden your resolve, test your digestion, and remind you that flavor is earned, not requested.
Monday
Motivation by MeatThe Gut Check Platter
- Six scrambled eggs
- Bacon strips curled like angry snakes
- Biscuit chiseled from shame and lard
- Coffee black enough to see your reflection and your regrets
Suck It Up Sloppy Joe
- Two fists of meat, one slice of Texas toast
- Served with Semper Fries and a hard stare
Recon Ration Chili
- Beef, pork, and confusion
- Jalapeños for warmth
- Topped with a single cracker — broken in half
- No beans. Ever.
Tuesday
Tactical Fiber DayHardened Grits & Regret
- Stone-ground grits, slow-cooked in spite
- Two eggs fried in the tears of disappointed privates
- Bacon optional (but he’ll judge you if you skip it)
Combat Cabbage Wraps
- Ground beef, sautéed onions, cabbage leaves, and rage
- Served with boot polish dipping sauce (actually soy-based — probably)
PT Lasagna
- Made with jerky, MRE pasta, ricotta substitute (classified)
- Pairs well with black coffee and poor decisions
Wednesday
Midweek Morale Break (Still No Smiling)Mess Hall Migas
- Tortillas, eggs, cheese, chorizo, and whatever was left on the grill
- Topped with Gunny’s Gut Punch hot sauce
- Served with a motivational insult
Requisition Ribs
- Dry rub so intense it might be illegal
- Side of mac & please-don’t-make-me-run
The What-the-Hell Hash
- Ground beef, tater tots, onions, peppers, eggs, and doubt
- Scooped with a flat shovel
- “Eat until you stop remembering your ex-wife.”
Thursday
Throwdown ThursdayFrench Toast FUBAR
- Thick bread soaked in eggs, heavy cream, and tactical bourbon
- Syrup optional. Dignity not included.
Chow Line Chimichanga
- Filled with meat, beans (Gunny’s exception), cheese, and a tiny American flag
- Comes with a shot of Pepto and a death waiver
Anger Stroganoff
- Beef, egg noodles, cream sauce, paprika, and raised voices
- Garnished with contempt and parsley
Friday
Freedom FridayFreedom Flapjacks
- Stacked high, topped with bacon-maple compote
- Optional side of liberty sausage links
- One pancake has an embedded dog tag. It’s tradition.
Gunny’s Grinder Sub
- 14″ hoagie packed with “everything but fear”
- Bread baked in Willi’s oven as part of a Cold War truce
- No napkins. Use your sleeve like an adult.
MRE Mystery Meat Surprise
- Served in a brown paper bag with a Sharpie scrawled “Suck it up”
- It’s actually brisket. Just eat it.
Daily Beverages
What You’re Drinking
- Black Coffee — served boiling or room temp. No cream. Ever.
- Tap Water — you’ll get what the pipes give
- Boot Shine IPA — limited to one per yelling session
- Gunny’s Gut Grenade Energy Shot — one per week. Two if suicidal.
Saturday & Sunday • 0600 Sharp
Scream & Scrambles
Every Saturday and Sunday at 0600, Gunny kicks open the kitchen doors like he’s storming Fallujah and barks: “WAKE UP, BUTTERCUP! IT’S TIME TO EAT OR DIE!”
Part chow line, part group therapy (but louder), part motivational hazing ritual. No reservations. No decaf. No refunds. Show up, line up, shut up.
You get handed a metal tray. No utensils. Eat standing, seated, squatting, or doing burpees — he doesn’t care. When it’s over:
One sticker for finishing. One for not. He hands out both with equal pride.
Common Gunny Screams During the Scramble
- “You call that a tray?! My mess kit has more discipline!”
- “I WANT TO SEE YOU SWEAT WHILE CHEWING!”
- “IS THAT YOUR ORDER OR YOUR SAFE WORD?!”
- “CHEW FASTER — THERE’S A WAR ON SOMEWHERE!”
- “DON’T YOU DARE SMILE — THIS IS BREAKFAST, NOT PROM!”
Gunny picks one person per session and screams: “WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST ITEM, MAGGOT?” Hesitate, stutter, or say avocado toast and you’re banned from eggs for a week. Answer with confidence and name something not on the menu, and he adds it next week.
That’s how Maple Bacon Meatballs and Huevos Hoorahcheros got on the rotation.